① Carve a pumpkin into something ridiculous. For example:

② Toast the seeds, IDIOT.

③ Dump the pumpkin innards into your food processor. Add some things that seem like they might go in baked goods. Sugar is a good starting point. It might actually be all you need. Some other things to consider might be eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon, ground lamb, etc. Don't measure your ingredients. What is this, science class??? Just dump it all in your food processor and leave the thing running for a while.

④ Dump your orangeish sugar slurry into a pre-made pie crust because you're too lazy to attempt to make your own.

⑤ Set your oven to some temperature at random. It doesn't really matter because your oven will lie to you about the temperature anyway.

⑥ Bake your garbage pie until you're sick of getting up to check on it. Congratulations you are officially the best at cooking ever and will probably win a Nobel Prize for your efforts or whatever.

SERVING SUGGESTION: Don't serve your pumpkin pie with whipped cream because you can't afford whipped cream.